Inspiration Explanation: Part II

I can’t help but feel that something went wrong.

Everything fell apart before our very eyes and there was NOTHING we could do about it.

I have held off from blogging because I have had no words until now!

No one ever would have thought that I would become pregnant and have a diagnosis of breast cancer simultaneously, move back to the UK from America for treatment, have chemotherapy whilst pregnant, have a beautiful baby, then 6 days later she would undergo surgery for rare congenital heart defects, survive surgery, but then suddenly die 14 days later, I’d have a mastectomy and breast reconstruction 20 days later, then my baby’s funeral 9 days after that, and now more chemo after an unsuccessful egg harvest to rescue any potential fertility I had… which is not looking promising…

My name is Laura and this paragraph above sums up the last 12 months of my life.

I am a rainbow mama twice over, I am a breast cancer warrior, I am here and present…. And I really couldn’t tell you how I am still standing.

But I am.

I feel like the Black Knight in Monty Python and The Holy Grail. You can strike every limb off of me and I would still say ‘tis but a scratch! But I don’t want to be this person! I would love to have a nice, steady, quiet life, but life has different ideas.

And we are ok with it. We have to be, because there is no other way to be.

Grief has engulfed us, and it’s not just for Meisee that Haydn and I mourn, but also everything else we have had to sacrifice along this path. But we keep going and will continue to do so.

When I started Adventures on a Rey of Light, I couldn’t think of anything worse than what we went through with our first daughter, Rey. Now life has taken on us on a completely different adventure – and it is one I would never wish upon anybody. I just hope that some good can be inspired, and come out of this. (The good news is it already is and I’ll go into more detail in the next blogs I post.)

In the meantime, please keep us #WaldenWarriors in your thoughts as I finish chemo and the mightiest of girls Rey and #MightyMeisee

With love to you all xXx

Reigniting the Creative Spark

I’ve lost a lot of my passion for music – well at least for teaching it. Some of my students were fab, but I know I no longer want to be pulling 50 hour teaching weeks like I was in the UK. It drained me! So with our new adventure starting in America, I thought it was high time to express myself creatively via art class – and I’m so glad I did! 

I met some lovely ladies on the course, all with different backgrounds and ideas for their projects. Over a seven week course we would start to bond  over brushes and canvases, and it was marvellous. Our teacher, Emma helped us with all the little challenges we faced and gave me the confidence to put those colours on.

Here is my finished project- Durdle Door from the Jurassic Coast in Dorset, England. I used acrylic paints. 

The value of art as a therapy is second to none. It really helped me deal with a lot of the raw grief I experienced from our loss of Rey and relit my passion for creating. Whilst we don’t have a huge income, I’ve taken up sketching in the mean time. I haven’t done “art stuff” since I was 16, and I am so glad to have rediscovered this vent for creativity! Maybe this is something I should have kept up a long time ago and should keep doing for a long time to come! 

Art is something you breathe- with a different kind of happiness

(Here is the collection of pictures week by week as my painting grew!)

Erasing the Stigma

After Rey died and we were left without a baby and all the dreams we had made, we decided to create new dreams, and share our experiences with the world. I know not everyone would do what we have, but for us it was the right thing to do. Even though it’s been a short time, I am so glad that we have spoken aloud about our experiences with late miscarriage and infant loss. We have met some amazing people who have similarly gone through the pain we have . Some of these people have been so relieved that we have, that they now feel they can talk about their losses openly too! 

There is unfortunately a social stigma around being an Angel Parent. I don’t know what causes it, I don’t know why it is such a taboo. I do know that too many of us go through this horrendous experience, and feel isolated and withdrawn, because losing a baby is an “awkward topic”. So we chose to share our story for this stigma to disappear, because  talking about it helps us, the parents to deal with it. Also it hopefully helps others understand what we are going through, and to not feel awkward or unsure around us.

Being a U.K. Expat in the USA means that I have the joy of two mothers days. The American one is this month, and I’m not looking forward to it. But there are glimmers of society changing the stigma around. 

I fortunately got to watch this video for Mother’s Day featuring my gorgeous friend, Christina and what I love is that it encompasses us angel parents too into Mother’s Day!  Watching it warmed my heart and I actually felt like Mother’s Day can encompass us reguardless of whether our babies are with us physically or in our hearts.  Thank you Christina for sharing you experiences 😊

Fellow American and UK angel parents, we are thinking of you this Mother’s Day. Know that there is strength in our numbers! And if you ever want someone to talk to/listen/share experiences, Haydn and I are here for you. I’ve also put in a link to various charities below who you can contact. You are not alone! 

“No child and mother ever live apart. No matter the distance between them” 

With special floaty kisses for all our little angels xxxxxx

Pregnancy loss directory